Day 301.

Wednesday, October 29, 2009.

Jason has a lot on his plate right now. I hate to see him this busy and stressed because there isn't a lot that I can do to help. Make dinner for him, do his laundry...things that I already do. But I can't make his job easier or do his grad school research paper or reading for him.

I am grateful for Jason's hard work.

I know that I get selfish sometimes, because I'm not seeing what's going on at work and school for him. I only see what is happening with us at home, so I get impatient when he can't come home and relieve me from overwhelming days at home. I don't want his weekends to be filled with work, I want them for family time. And I don't want his evenings to be chocked full of grading papers, planning and reading for school. I want his time! I guess I miss the summer - when every weeknight we just sat together and watched shows, caught up on life and enjoyed each other's company. The school year (with grad school especially) is not like that. And I shouldn't expect it to be. THIS is life. We have to have money to live, so we must earn it somehow, and I'm so grateful he does that for us.

Thank you, Jason, for doing this amazingly hard and stressful work for us, your loving family. You make it possible for me to stay home and raise our children right now. We do want you home more, and we do get sad when you can't be as available as we want you to be. But, we will try and be more understanding. You have so much on your plate, and I don't want home to be another place you get stress. It should be your refuge, the place you look forward to no pressures. I am going to try and work harder to make that happen.

Day 300.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009.

We went to the Garfield Park Conservatory today with good friends Christy, Caroline and Case. We spent a lot of time indoors enjoying the humid plant weather, but did venture outside for about 40 minutes of running around.

I am grateful for unstructured outdoor play.

It was amazing - the scenery was bleak - a huge circle path with brown grass, a patch of just planted trees, and that's about it. But the kids made their own fun. They just spontaneously started this whole elaborate story line - something about teachers and school and trees. They were running around together hand in hand all over the big grassy field and having a blast. It was cold, and I had under-dressed them (no sun as promised on weather.com), but they didn't even notice cause they were having so much fun. Christy and I were the ones who made everyone go in - we were freezing cause we weren't imagining (and running).

For this exactly, I want a big backyard. I want space for my kids to run around free and make up stories and feel uninhibited. I don't want to be the director of playtime all the time - I want them to be inspired by nature. I guess this happened today even without us having a big backyard - we just have to make more opportunities for going to these kind of places - where they can be free and RUN. There aren't a lot of places set up for kids in the city that are this open and free.

Day 299.

Monday, October 26, 2009.

Today started like any other Monday morning. Dylan had preschool and Jason had the car, so we were walking. I carried the stroller outside and the kids climbed in. We went along our way...

Three blocks later a lady stops me (who is coming from the other direction) on the side of the road. She is calling out her rolled down window and I have to stop the stroller and move closer to hear what she is saying - she was saying something over and over again, so I knew it must be important.

I got about 4 feet from the car when I began to hear her.

This is her:
"I saw you come out of your building, and I saw that you didn't buckle your children in the stroller. I really think you should be buckling them in. It's not safe..."

And I stopped listening. Not only did I stop listening but you better believe I started talking (as she continued to explain herself). This is me:
"Are you KIDDING me that you are telling me this right now? Are you their mother? Wow." A big sarcastic thank you, a huge roll of the eyes and in disbelief I went back to my stroller muttering about her nerve. Was she stalking me and following me as I walked the three blocks from home?

Dylan and Noah didn't understand what had happened and why I was upset. They kept saying, "What did that woman say to you mommy? Why are you mad? She wasn't very nice to you, was she mommy?" They could tell I was on fire inside.

I mean COME ON. Criticize my cooking. Tell me I'm fat. But DON'T tell me I'm not a good mother. I couldn't stop muttering, "I cannot believe her!" and Dylan was obsessed with the whole situation. I finally wanted to just stop thinking about it, but Dylan wouldn't let up. I told her, "Dylan, I just want to forget about it. She wasn't nice and it's making me angry to think about it."

Well, my ever-sensitive daughter said, "Mommy, can I just tell you ONE thing?"
"Sure," I said.
"One part of what she said was nice," Dylan responded.
"What was that?" I asked.
"The part where she doesn't want us to get hurt or fall out, so she thought we should have on our belts," she replied.
"Yeah...you're right," I cracked a smile. And she was - completely 100% right.

I am grateful for "It takes a village."

I've always heard that expression and in theory agreed whole-heartedly with it - communities should take a vested interest in the raising of our children. As a philosophy, I love it and know it was how life used to be, and still is in many cultures. But, here in my urban-American environment where I am the gatekeeper for my child's well being, I do not want anyone questioning my decisions as a parent. So, it wasn't a huge decision to not buckle them in the stroller. It was just what we did. They are 2.5 and 4.5 - not babies. They have NEVER fallen out of the stroller. I'm strolling, not jogging. And they aren't wiggly in the stroller...ever.

So, was I justified in being ticked off that lady X made a judgement about my parenting decision? Well, maybe. But maybe it was also no big deal. Maybe she was just a nice lady who really did care about children and didn't want to see one get hurt for lack of good advice about stroller safety. Maybe she had a family member who was hurt in a stroller-related incident and just feels strongly about this particular issue.

Whatever the reason she stopped me, my overreaction was far more embarrassing than her attempt at conversation. What ever happened to "It takes a village to raise a child?" Should I be so righteous about my every parenting move that I have to get upset if someone questions my judgment on stroller safety?

After thinking about it for the morning, I talked to Dylan on the way home about it again. And I told her I thought I overreacted. I told her that the lady was just being nice, and just didn't want them to get hurt. I shouldn't have been upset about that.

Dylan said, "Mom, isn't that what I said this morning?"
Yep, sometimes it takes adults three hours to understand what a 4 year old does in 30 seconds.

Day 298.

Sunday, October 25, 2009.

I am grateful to pay it forward (someday).

A wonderful older couple in our church took us out for Indian food today after church. We have been the beneficiaries of this relationship before, and it feels so incredible to have someone do that for you. You, the young couple without a lot of extra money to spend on the Indian buffet every Sunday.

I want to remember these acts of financial kindness that others give to me. Because I want to be that person someday too. When Jason and I have the money to take a young family out to dinner, I hope we do it. The young couple will really appreciate it, for the company, for the care it showed, and for their bellies full of Chicken Tikka Masala. Yum.

Day 297.

Saturday, October 24, 2009.

I am grateful for Karen.

Karen is my mother-in-law and it was her birthday today. She spent some time at the Morton Arboretum with us for Trick or Trees and we helped her celebrate with date bars, some gardening presents Noah helped me pick out, and a smiley face balloon that Dylan picked out.

Thanks, Karen, for loving me like one of your own, opening your arms to me (even when you met me for the first time and I had an eyebrow ring, if you were questioning, you didn't show it!) and for accepting me completely.

You are an incredible grandmother to my two precious babes and they adore you. You get on the floor and play elaborate made-up stories with them and the fisher-price people and last much longer than I claim to. You make them large bowls of ice cream which they adore (and I try to ignore! :)) You buy them special books and extra underwear to have at your house since I always forget an extra pair. You are a wonderful person and a fabulous grandma. Thanks for being you!

Day 296.

Friday, October 23, 2009.

Book club was tonight. What a fantastic group of women I have the privilege of calling my friends.

I am grateful for book club.

I didn't do well in my last book club. In that one, I felt like I wasn't smart enough to be a part of it, which really made me feel angry. I didn't work for NPR, I wasn't an urban planner, and I didn't live in the west loop in a loft. So, I wasn't very cool I guess. Oh yeah - and the first book club, it was decided that there would be no alcohol served during book clubs. I should have walked out the door then and there...not because I have to have a glass of wine to talk about books...but they didn't want the discussion "impaired" in any way. Yikes.

But THIS book club? This mom's book club? This is ABOUT the wine. It's about the good conversation, the relationships, and the literature. And oh yeah, we all love to read the books and love to discuss them, but if we don't discuss them, we live. And if you don't even read it...you're still welcome.

That's the kind of book club I like.

Day 295.

Being gone at a birth yesterday all day, I didn't think about my kids much. I was focused on my job - to protect the space of the laboring couple - to be their right hand woman. It was an amazing experience that I will never forget. But when that baby came out and I remembered that moment in my own past, I wanted to hold my precious babes right then and there. I wanted to look into their eyes, pray for them, bless them, and revel in them.

I am grateful for my two births.

Today I replayed the birth from yesterday many times again in my head. They had given birth in the same tub as I had birthed Dylan. It was a really cool experience being back in that room again.

Dylan's birth was so fast and so perfect. The journey to motherhood seemed to catch me by surprise. I was two weeks early, and the midwife barely got there - I remember them sending in an OB to stand watch until she arrived, and later we found out that the midwife had gotten pulled over by the cops on the way to the hospital cause she was trying hard to be there in time (no, they did not give her a ticket). She made it, and we only were at the hospital about 45 minutes before she was born, underwater, in the middle of the night, in the wee hours of Monday morning.

Noah's birth was also in the middle of the night, also in the wee hours of a Monday morning. It was also perfect in it's own way. We were only at the hospital for 30 minutes this time before he was out. The tub was being filled, but I never made it in before he was born. His labor was also fast, and even more furious, but the midwife was there ahead of us - my chart had a "fast labors" tag on it, so they had learned their lesson from the first time. Noah's birth had such a horrible aftermath, finding out about his bladder exstrophy, and not knowing how to cope, what to think, or who to turn to. It was a whirlwind of desperation, and those first few hours after his birth are the most surreal and confusing I've spent on earth. But looking back now, it was exactly as it should have been.

Both births were natural. Both births were miracles. Both births were hard as hell! And both births were perfect.