Day 324.

Once again in my quest to be the perfect mom (not really my quest...just making fun of myself a little here), I'm going to contradict something I posted about a few days ago. I was giving myself a hard time, in a round-about way, for thinking too much about cleaning, cooking and other things I end up filling my time with besides "mommying." I think I need to explain.

Yesterday we spent a great day with friends (as mentioned in my post from that day), and there was a big lightbulb that happened for me in my conversation with the other mom. I think I was mentioning my guilt over turning them down for play and getting things done. She remarked, "I never play with my kids." Now when she says that, it does NOT mean she's not spending time with her kids - quite the contrary. She's a fabulous homeschooling mama with kids who are very secure and adore her...so it's not like she hasn't bonded with her kids...far from it. That's what was so great about it. I thought about it more after they left, and thought, gosh, did my parents really "play" with us like I feel guilt for not doing enough of? I remember them reading to us, playing games with us and just being with us a lot, but not this stuff. The kind of play my kids want me to engage in on an hourly basis is hard core pretend play with a lot of imagination and creativity...and to be honest, I just end up feeling old and boring when I do this. Give me a book to read, a game to play or a craft to do anytime and I am THERE.

So, I am cutting myself some slack. I'm not a bad mom when I cook and clean or tell them to "go play." In fact, I think I'm a better mom because of it.

I am grateful for letting go of guilt.

I'm letting go of guilt that I feel when I don't spend hours of my day pretending with them. Yes, I'll still do it with them because they love it and I love them and it makes them happy. But, it's also cool when I ignore them and they end up playing beautifully and creatively together. I'm OK with not being the fun mom all the time...that's not my purpose.

I also think I realized where this guilt comes from. I spent most of my 11-18 year old life babysitting. I was obsessed with babysitting. I loved kids. I loved the responsibility. I loved the money I got. I loved being the fun babysitter that brought over a "kid kit" (any Babysitter's Club fans out there?) and made up cool obstacle courses. I loved being in demand and people booking me months in advance for New Years Eve. I was the fun babysitter. And so when I eventually had my own kids (only about 8 years after that 7 year run was over)...I couldn't separate fun babysitter from mom. I molded that into one entity and tried to be a mom who played with their kids all the time.

So, it's not a terrible thing to try to be fun and entertaining, but what ends up happening is when I actually do have stuff to do, I carry that guilt - did I play with them enough today?

I'm over it...for today at least (I'll go back and read this post tomorrow).

Day 323.

I am grateful for shared laughter with my kids.

Today was a great day. Great friends, great fellowship, great food. I loved this rainy day at home. I have to say my day is always good when I have an opportunity to laugh with my children. Something about letting loose and laughing together brings us so much closer together. I guess that's true with anyone.

Here's an exchange from dinnertime that made me laugh:

Me: We don't have any more milk because we drank it all for lunch. We'll have water for dinner.
Noah: Why don't we have any more milk?
Me: We shared it with our friends who were over for lunch. It's good to share things with our friends. It's good to share what we have with everyone.
Dylan: Why?
Me: It's the right thing to do. A long time ago when Jesus lived in our world, he helped other people get what they needed.
Dylan: Was he the President one time?
Me (holding back giggles): No, Jesus wasn't the President.
Noah: Santa was the President.

I couldn't hold back the laughter at that point. Seriously, you can't make that stuff up!

Note: I don't make a lesson out of everything we talk about, honestly. But when I do, it always seems to backfire.

Day 322.

Nothing cures a rainy day like homemade playdough. Thanks, Lara, for the great recipe. It's softer than store bought playdough, which for little kids is great and easier to mush around. Now we just have to make more!

I am grateful for playdough.

½ c. salt
1 c. flour
1 T. canola oil
1 T. alum (find in spice aisle of grocery store)
1 c. boiling water
food coloring

Boil the water and stir food coloring in water. Add colored boiling water to the rest of the ingredients. Stir to combine. Keep airtight in the refrigerator and it lasts for months.

Enjoy!

Day 321.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009.

Violin is going well. Dylan loves it, I love that she loves it. And we have some great bonding moments practicing together. Tuesday is group class which is my favorite thing about Suzuki. Group class brings it all together, gives the learning a fun twist, and gives us parents more ideas to use at home in our practice sessions. But what I really will miss is the parent class that we've been having the last 10 weeks...and tonight was the last one.

I am grateful for the Suzuki parent class.

It seemed ridiculous when we first signed up. After all, I know how to play the violin so why would I need a parent class? Turns out, it had nothing to do with me knowing or not knowing how to play the violin. Instead it had everything to do with learning how to practice with your child and how to implement and believe in the Suzuki philosophy. I left this last class tonight a little sad. This class has been the perfect setting for all of our questions and the class has really been helpful in my focus. It has made these violin lessons so much more than they would have been if I just showed up to her lesson each week with no framework.

Day 320.

Monday, November 16, 2009.

I think as a stay-at-home mom life sometimes get confusing. I am busy doing life...doing dishes, doing the laundry, doing the cleaning, doing the insurance calls, doing the appointment scheduling, doing the drive to preschool. And I forget what my real job title is.

I am grateful to realize my present purpose.

My job description right now does include those things mentioned earlier. But it's not my title. I'm not stay-at-home cleaning lady. Or stay-at-home cook. I'm a stay-at-home MOM. So, I need to stop freaking out about the other things when what I'd really rather do is play with my kids.

Day 319.

Sunday, November 15, 2009.

Today was a long day at church full of meetings and work from an outside facilitator to help in our recent church conflict. It was long, but it wasn't draining. In fact, it was, in a strange way, uplifting. It felt like a huge relief and what happened in those meetings allowed me to reclaim part of myself again.

I am grateful for integrity.

I have always considered myself a person of integrity and an honest person to the core. I haven't had many moments where I felt that was challenged, until this year. In my leadership role at church this year, I felt like my integrity had been unfairly ripped out from under me and I was left with no foundation. That feeling was awful and it wasn't any one person or thing that made me feel like that. It happened slowly...gradually erupting into a complete mess that had me feeling ashamed...and confused why I felt that way.

So, it's a pretty huge step when I feel like some light was shed on things to make a whole picture - to the point where I can now reclaim my integrity. I guess it was never lost...just hidden.

Day 318.

Saturday, November 14, 2009.

It was an amazing day and it will be hard to pick just one thing to be grateful for today. It was a day full of friends and family, love and joy. Really, I feel so blessed.

I am grateful for love.

1 Corinthians 13:13. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." There's a reason that love trumps everything.

Jason and I celebrated a wonderful wedding of two dear friends and it was pure joy to be a part of the evening. We danced our hearts out, ate incredible food, wore nice outfits, held hands. But most importantly, we saw incredible love start a marriage and I felt that commitment all over again with my own husband. A beautiful thing.