Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What am I waiting for?

Day 119.

I know I've mentioned before...it's hard for me to live in the present. I'm a person who looks forward to things, who longs for vacations, who anticipates a glass of wine, who gets a thrill from a date night yet to come. I'm a planner. I often look forward to events with my children and enjoy the "looking forward to" more than I enjoy the event itself. Wow - now that I realize that, that's totally sad.

But, now that I realize that, I can start to chip away and do something about it. And the phrase that kept coming to me today is the title of this day's post. Really - what exactly am I waiting FOR? Is life just about those perfectly planned "high" moments where you are visiting family in Colorado, at an expensive Children's Museum, or on a needed date night? Well, life is about these moments - they are fun. But it's not all their is. My days and hours and minutes consist much more of mundane ordinary stuff. And why can't I enjoy that part too? What am I waiting for?

I am grateful to enjoy the mundane.

I love my children endlessly. But today, I found myself waiting for them to go to bed. It wasn't a bad day, and they weren't driving me any more nuts than usual. So, why was I so excited for them to go to bed? It really hit me hard that them going to bed was the part of my day I was most looking forward to. Why? I CHOOSE to stay home and be a mom. I love it and know it's the best job in the entire world. I despair every time I think of them going to kindergarten (even preschool) and losing them away from home. So, why am I thinking this way? I know we all have days...but I didn't even think this WAS one of "those days."

It's Wednesday - and Jason's long day - with grad school taking him away from home from 7am-10pm. So, I think it's about being needed from sun up to sun down with no break. Yes, I did have about 45 minutes this afternoon during quiet time (which I used to nap myself). But, I just looked so much forward to having two hours of Hilary time tonight - where no one - not even Jason - could affect my plans. I could watch what I wanted on tv - or not even have it on at all. I could sit on the computer for two hours, and not feel guilty. And sometimes, I guess, you just need to be selfish.

So, I'm trying. Trying to remember that this is IT. These are the only precious days I have with my wonderful, amazing, charming children. And to not sit around waiting for the best yet to come. It's HERE. NOW.

4 comments:

  1. Great post, Hilary!

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  2. Yes! Reminds me of this:

    The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you.

    Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things of life.

    --Robert Louis Stevenson

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  3. didn't comment yesterday, but if you gathered from my blog entry, this post meant something to me. thanks.

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  4. This one was great. It got me a little teared up, to be honest. I do this same thing myself, and then I remember-Sean is already so old...I need to be present in the here and now, all the time. I know I'll regret it later if I don't. Thanks for the (awesome!) reminder!

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