What am I waiting for?

Day 119.

I know I've mentioned before...it's hard for me to live in the present. I'm a person who looks forward to things, who longs for vacations, who anticipates a glass of wine, who gets a thrill from a date night yet to come. I'm a planner. I often look forward to events with my children and enjoy the "looking forward to" more than I enjoy the event itself. Wow - now that I realize that, that's totally sad.

But, now that I realize that, I can start to chip away and do something about it. And the phrase that kept coming to me today is the title of this day's post. Really - what exactly am I waiting FOR? Is life just about those perfectly planned "high" moments where you are visiting family in Colorado, at an expensive Children's Museum, or on a needed date night? Well, life is about these moments - they are fun. But it's not all their is. My days and hours and minutes consist much more of mundane ordinary stuff. And why can't I enjoy that part too? What am I waiting for?

I am grateful to enjoy the mundane.

I love my children endlessly. But today, I found myself waiting for them to go to bed. It wasn't a bad day, and they weren't driving me any more nuts than usual. So, why was I so excited for them to go to bed? It really hit me hard that them going to bed was the part of my day I was most looking forward to. Why? I CHOOSE to stay home and be a mom. I love it and know it's the best job in the entire world. I despair every time I think of them going to kindergarten (even preschool) and losing them away from home. So, why am I thinking this way? I know we all have days...but I didn't even think this WAS one of "those days."

It's Wednesday - and Jason's long day - with grad school taking him away from home from 7am-10pm. So, I think it's about being needed from sun up to sun down with no break. Yes, I did have about 45 minutes this afternoon during quiet time (which I used to nap myself). But, I just looked so much forward to having two hours of Hilary time tonight - where no one - not even Jason - could affect my plans. I could watch what I wanted on tv - or not even have it on at all. I could sit on the computer for two hours, and not feel guilty. And sometimes, I guess, you just need to be selfish.

So, I'm trying. Trying to remember that this is IT. These are the only precious days I have with my wonderful, amazing, charming children. And to not sit around waiting for the best yet to come. It's HERE. NOW.