Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A beautiful thing

Tuesday, May 12, 2009.

Day 132.

I am grateful for grace.

Every day I screw something up. Maybe something little like putting a clean dish in the dirty dishwasher. Or something big (which happened last night) like yelling at Dylan when I have to come back into her room in the middle of the night AGAIN and I make her cry - and then she tells me that all she wanted to say was "Goodnight mommy, I love you up to the sky and back, sweet dreams, don't let the bedbugs bite" (through tears). Uggghhhh. Talk about total yelling regret.

I know I'm human, and I make mistakes. Daily. One of my ongoing problems is selfishness. I just can't help but is this affecting ME right now (as in the lack of sleep i was getting when she kept calling me in there last night)? I start feeling sorry for myself, getting impatient, and not wanting to deal with annoyances of others (read: my children). But I am always amazed at how I am subtely (or not so subtely) reminded of my own sins and how they are hurting others. I am selfish, until I see the effect it has on others - and then I am stripped to nothing and I feel regret and frustration that I did something so hurtful.

I'm not sure why I can't realize the selfishness before it does damage. Why couldn't I have just listened to what Dylan wanted BEFORE I blew up at her? But, I am truly amazed at God's grace. I am able to say I'm sorry and truly feel forgived. And I'm able to make another mistake and another and another, and still keep on growing. I'll never be perfect, of course, but I can at least learn along this journey. Grace is a beautiful thing.

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